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Among other things I’m convinced caffeine, though extremely effective is the devil. I’m not sure what my deal has been lately but it’s been a roller coaster of which I wish to get off. It’s amazing how stress affects one’s life.

At the moment I am teaching nine, count em’ nine classes at my gym, trying to keep this blog up and running with all of my interlaced online businesses, keep up with my children between golf, soccer, ballet and library…… Basically I feel like I’m about to freakin’ lose it!!!! To top it off, somewhere in the midst of all this I got caught up in my whole refurbishing project of my desk that I felt it necessary to continue only to have purchased two more pieces of random furniture and have now become a regular at antique shops. I don’t think I’ve ever even been in an antique shop, at least not up until about a month ago. What the *&^* am I thinking???? I might be one mashed up mama, but this is freakin ridiculous!

I have so many ideas and so many things I want to do but lack the time and the money to pursue it all.  I feel perpetually tired and have been resorting to caffeine to get me through my long and sometimes really annoying days which seems to only make things worse when I’ve come down from my high and I’m plagued with the most painful headache. I’m not a regular coffee drinker, never have been, aside from the frequent cravings of an iced coconut soy latte when I was pregnant with my first, it’s pretty rare that I drink coffee. Lately I have been addicted to very concentrated liquid green tea endorush, (liquid crack in a bottle sold at most gyms). I know, I know your probably thinking I’m a little nuts, green tea is however totally natural but for some reason I think it among many other things has been a source of my jekyll/hyde attitude lately. The other I believe has to do with my faith.

Here I go, I’ve stepped on the box get ready. So, if it makes you uncomfortable, right now would be the time to stop reading.

You know that song by The Frey, “You found me”? Well I so connect with the lyrics to this song because to tell you the truth, I’ve been a little pissed at god. ( Just in case any of you are wondering… it’s perfectly okay to be pissed at God, despite what you may believe he wants an honest relationship with us… good, bad and ugly)

This recent bout of anger is out of sheer frustration. Frustration that I’m not being heard. I feel sometimes I call and call and call, only to be returned with emptiness. Just when I’ve reached the point of booking a one way plane ticket to East Asia…. I find him. And when I do, he brings me back to my knees. Two Sundays ago at church, our youth ministry performed a skit. This skit was so moving I wept like a child. My whole body ached from the inside out with remorse for not doing what I know I should be doing. For not saying what I know I should be saying and not acting the way I know I should be acting.

I felt as if God was saying ” Jasmine, it is not about you, your heart is in the right place. It is however, about how you handle the rotten lemmons life hands you and whether you choose to toss them or taste them, even though you know you shouldn’t and do anyway. If and when you have tasted that rotten fruit, I will still love you. I will always love you. I’m always there even when you do not feel me. I will never forsake you, for you are my child and I made you. I know whats in your heart because I put it there. I will be patient with you while you grow and I will pick you up when you fall, and you will. But I am the only one who can give you the comfort and peace you desire. Trust in me totally and completely. Not once, not twice but every single minute of every single day. Do these things and you will find my protection from the worst possible fruit imaginable.”

These are my own words of course…. or are they?

Did God just speak through my hands as I was typing? I don’t know. And no I’m not talking about some freaky possesed action that just happened where I’ve forgotten who I am and how I ended up at the computer.

What I do know is that…… a skit in church hit me like a ton of bricks.

I sat there and prayed with every ounce of my being for forgiveness. I asked God to forgive me for not making him a priority in the midst of the craziness we call life. I asked him to forgive me for not always seeking him when life does or does not suck. What I got and always get in return was more than it’s weight in gold. There I was at the edge of my seat hanging on every word that came out of my pastors mouth. It was as if God was speaking right to me through him.

(Just so you know, this happens frequently when I attend church. It always seems as if that message was exactly what I needed to hear that day).

My heart felt light and my soul clean……again. If that isn’t God moving, I don’t know what is. If that isn’t god picking me up when I’ve fallen, I don’t know what is.

You may be wondering why I’m writing about this now, when this happened two weeks ago. Well, that’s a good question for which I have no excuse. You see we as people need to be reminded. We need to be reminded of which direction to go and what steps to take. Why? Because for the most part, we all have some form of ADD, ADHD, OCD, pick your excuse and we’ve got it, when really it’s none other than forgetfulness and the ugly need to control every situation instead of leaving it up to someone else to take care of. Someone who knows exactly how to take care of it and knows a hell of a lot better than we do.

We leave church on Sunday, then Monday comes and we go back to our own little worlds surrounded by money, work, play and strife. Only to return the following Sunday to beat ourselves up for not remembering and seeking him diligently like we know we should. So today after being filled with sore muscles, angst and grumpiness I took the time to sit down and write. In fact, I didn’t even know what I was gonna write about….. it just came out.

By me reading my own words….I got what I needed yet again…… to be reminded.

God you are weird! AMAZING WEIRD, but weird none the less and I am so grateful for the personal relationship I share with you.